Flattery

This entry was originally published at The Stewart Adams Project

They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Yet, when we eat imitation foods our stomachs become anything but flat. Whether it be imitation bacon bits, margarine, powdered potatoes, imitation vanilla extract, anything soy, imitation egg substitute, Pibb, dehydrated milk, Campbell’s chicken noodle soup or coffee creamer with no cream in it…each of these products has the common variable of only existing to serve as a cheap imitation of the real thing. With all the artificial ingredients and processing processes, these products are high in calories and cholesterol and will by no means grant your body with any form of flattery.

Research shows and history proves that 100% people whose diet consists solely of any one of the previously mentioned imitations will eventually die. If that’s not bad enough, other research indicates that at least 99.99% of all people who even sample one of these fake foods on a single occasion will also die. In addition to the side affect of eventual death, imitations will generate unseemly and unhealthy quantities of humanity by the addition of cankles to the end user.

The results are obvious and the research is indisputable, imitation is not flattering. So the next time you hear someone say otherwise, remember that you’re smarter than they are and you know what imitation really does to people.

Finding A Wife

This entry was originally published at The Stewart Adams Project

Life throws many obstacles at us that in turn create challenges that are often times very hard to endure let alone excel at. Not the least of these is our personal quest to find true love. This quest is at least referenced in practically every movie ever made and in many circles, the conclusion of the quest is considered synonymous with adulthood. The fact of the matter is that finding true love is not the end of the story, rather it is the beginning. Once you’ve fallen into deep romantical love with someone, you then have to convince them that they should fall in love with you. This is easier said then done sometimes because who wants a relationship based on the fact that you were able to use charm and cunning to hide the person you really are inside? Being a guy myself, I will be sharing my own perspective since that is what I’ve been trained in. The truth is that you don’t deserve her, to you she’s beautiful, thoughtful, smart, etc. etc. and you’re just a dude. The match is stacked against you from the get go and you know it…probably more than she does. Since you took the initiative to fall in love first, the burden is on you to be sure you fell in love with the right woman.

Side note: When searching for a woman whom you wish to spend your life with in holy togetherness keep in mind these very important traits that you will want to take note of regarding your potential suitee:

01. Will her new initials spell a word? You know, like Allison N. Thelen, or Bethany R. Adams…only the best of wives bear this trademark so you’ll know she’s a keeper.
02. Is she just moderately hot? Moderately hot women tend to be less likely to leave you…I didn’t know this when I made my choice.
03. Is she symmetrical? One elf ear and one regular ear on the same head could mean trouble…
04. Does she use firearms with more accuracy and speed than you do? This could turn out bad for you in the end…
05. Does she think it looks good to paint wall outlets the same color as the wall it is mounted to? If so, run my friend…run.
06. Is she intelligent? But not too intelligent, because then she won’t give you the time of day.
07. Is she funny? If so then she is indeed a rare find.

Back from side note: The crux of the issue is that you’re gonna find a great woman eventually, hard part is that if she’s as great as you think she is, she’s probably already taken. Just remember, you have a bow-staff and he’s not as 6′ 7″ 240 lbs. as he looks.

The Economy

This entry was originally published at The Stewart Adams Project

We’ve been hearing a lot about the economy in recent fortnights and that’s simply because everyone is talking a lot about it. The U.S. is now closer to a sequel for the Great Depression than we ever have been before and everyone seems to be pulling out of the US economy except for Washington. Markets are plummeting and increased debt appears to be the only way out…I beg to differ, below I have listed a clear and concise plan to save our beloved economy and restore wall street not just to its former glory, but to a higher glory the world has never seen before.

01. Collect War reparations from Great Britain, The North, Germany, Italy, Russia, Vietnam, Japan, and Cuba.

02. Privatize all government run education. Sure, the government can contribute money to schools…but should have no amount of control over how it’s spent. Privatization will encourage competition therefore the quality of the schools will go up or they will close down, this will also raise students’ grades by ensuring that they are getting the best education possible. In addition to this, those who do not use the public school system won’t have to pay for it with school taxes.

03. Deport every illegal immigrant to either the Pacific or the Atlantic, they will then have to bear the cost of getting home or else swim home. It’s not hard to become a US citizen, if you can’t do it legally, you have no right to be here. Violators should also have to pay taxes for every year they’ve lived here, and children born in the US by illegal parents should not automatically receive citizenship.

04. Stop funding Japan’s military. At the end of WWII, the US made the hair brained mistake of telling Japan that we would protect them in times of war but they weren’t allowed to have a military for anything other than domestic use. So Japan’s economy is booming as they get all the benefits of our military without paying a cent for it.

There is still hope my friends, things can get pretty bad pretty fast…but with this plan America will be the financial center of the world once more. Just remember that no matter how bad things get, they can always get a lot worse.

Body Temperature

This entry was originally published at The Stewart Adams Project

At the moment I am sitting at home with an abnormal body temperature and an over active sneezing mechanism. Isn’t it interesting that when you get sick, your body instinctively heats up in a natural effort to kill the infection yet, every time someone comes down with a fever the first item of business is to lower the patient’s temp? I contend that we should start putting sick humans in stand-up ovens to speed the disease killing process the way nature intended. Of course the ovens would have to be tightly regulated to prevent to over-cooking of such patients and plenty of gatorade would have to be on hand to prevent dehydration. I know this idea will have its critics, but when you really think about it this procedure is no different than chemotherapy - only this won’t make your hair fall out, so it’s better. I expect that in the future every home in America will have their own personal human-cooker, colds will be a thing of the past and Kleenex would go out of business- just another way in which our world will have become increasingly paperless.

Resume

This entry was originally published at The Stewart Adams Project

With today’s volatile job market being so…volatile, it would probably be wise for us to examine our resumes and add some much needed pazzazz to our professional image. When writing a resume one must create an hunger in the belly of the potential employer that may not…nay…cannot be quenched unless they hire you. “But Mr. Adams, how do I do it? My resume is just plain and boring and doesn’t stand out in the least!” Well kids, I have provided an example of such resumeic poetry below for your job hunting pleasure:

Stewart Adams
“All your wildest dreams are about to come true.”
stewartadamsproject@gmail.com
404-260-1318
_____________________________________________________________________________
PERSONAL

DOB: March 29, 1985
Location: Kennesaw, GA
Sex: Male
Gender: Man
Race: Faster than you
Marital Status = Yes

1996-2000 North West Cobb Youth Soccer League – Kicker…wait, weren’t we all kickers?
1997-2002 Boy Scouts of America – Highest Rank, most badges and straightest neckerchief.
1998 Built a sweet spaceship out of LEGOs, it was awesome.

EDUCATION

1985-2002 Home Schooled – Graduated top of my class with every available honor.
2001 Scored a 1600 on the SAT, back when a 1600 was good.
2002-2004 Kennesaw State University – Ruled Student Government with an iron fist,
Graduated with a 4.1 GPA and shook the President’s hand.

EXPERIENCE

1991-2001 FBUAS (Federal Bureau for Under Aged Spies) - was kicked out when I turned 18, organization rules.*
1996-1999 Residential Construction at the age of 11, working for $3.50/hr.
2006-2007 Valor Visual Media, Inc. – Visual Media-ist who dealt in all things visual and medial.

GOALS

I want to work for your company making millions of dollars each day for having to do very little actual work. I am a hard worker with large potential and keen wits that will be a tremendous asset to your company. Trust me, if you hire Stewart Adams, all your wildest dreams will come true.

*After reading, cover item with white-out provided with resume.